Monday, August 19, 2013

What Do You Want?!

Seriously, folks; what do you want?

I think that’s the hardest/scariest question you can ask yourself. Because most of the time we don’t want to admit how badly we want things that seem perpetually out of our reach. I felt that way when I started writing my first novel. I sat on the remarkably uncomfortable window-seat in my bedroom because that seemed fittingly romantic for an aspiring author. I stared out the window, craning my neck up towards the stars, and gripping my knees while my heart clenched so tightly it was hard to breathe.

It’s entirely possible that I was having a full-fledged panic attack.
I wanted to be an author that badly...and I didn’t believe I could do it.

There are still days when my impostor syndrome kicks in and I become convinced that I can’t write worth a damn. That I’m a hack and my career is going to flame out before I even turn 24 years old.

So what is it that I want?

I’m not sure where to begin!
I want to be brave. Fearless, even. I want to react confidently when I think I hear something go bump in the night. I want to put all my cards on the table. To tell people exactly how I feel and trust them to love me back. I want to stop comparing myself to others. 



Um...YES!

I want to be stronger, smarter, kinder, prettier, and all around better than I currently am.

That’s one very tall order. And out of all those goals, I think this one is the hardest and the most important: I want to like myself. Unconditionally. Just as I am.


I want to embrace the fact that this will happen to me more often than I’d care to admit.

That I will be an anti-social penguin when the mood strikes.

In fact, I may do nothing except read for a full week.

And when I do feel ready to emerge from my self-imposed isolation, it might look something like this...

But my friends will love me anyway.



So now I just have to find a way to embrace it myself. I’m not there yet, but I think I am gradually moving in the right direction.



And now I’d love to hear from you! What is it that you want?

~Marni

4 comments:

Stephsco said...

Writing is a good way to practice fearlessness. Sharing written work is tough, especially the first time. But sometimes, even the twentieth time. How can you get better if you keep your work to yourself? That's what I remind myself of constantly.

CareyCorp said...

Great post Marni! To me, being a writer is not about being fearless, because, lets face it, every stage of publication and career brings a new form of terror, it's about doing what you love inspite of the terror. And knowing when to retreat and nourish the soul!

When the negativity of this business blasts you - I remember that readers do love you.

Pintip said...

Marni, you had me at this line: Because most of the time we don’t want to admit how badly we want things that seem perpetually out of our reach.
Wonderful post, as usual. Thank for sharing and for your fearlessness -- because you do seem fearless, even if you don't feel like it.

Kimberly said...

Marni,
This post gives me reason to smile on so many levels. If you--a girl that looks like she has courage and self-confidence to share--can, at times, be scared and worried, it gives the rest of us scaredy cats out there some hope. :-)
Great, great post!
I seem to remember you dancing just a little bit like one of those videos. :-) In fact, I have a picture...
Kim